This was a post I did on my instagram page some time ago and hadn’t published as there was a tech issue on my blog which is fixed now thankfully so blogs can re start.

What happened to me is such a big part of why I coach and do the healing work I do that I wanted to share it on my blog too in a bit more detail.

I stopped watching 13 Reasons Why towards the end of season 2.

We recently decided to start watching it again. It didn’t take long to remember why I stopped in the first place.

My husband hadn’t watched it with me originally, so as we watched I caught him up on the story line. It got to about episode 11 or 12 and he said ‘wasn’t this exactly what happened to you?’ The story surrounding the character Jessic’s rape is so so similar to what happened to me.

I consider myself a rape survivor rather than victim. I refused to ever give up on healing until I genuinely felt I was there. I started a course this year in Somatic Sexology and continue to peel back layers of healing like and onion.

Shame

I know I have done a lot of healing work and this isn’t a daily issue for me at all. But as we watched the tears started to roll as the anger, shame and disappointment filled my body. This left me feeling immensely frustrated because I want to be done with it. Done with the feelings.

What I realized was a lot of this shame and anger rising comes from the WISH I had the courage to speak up at the time. Just as Jessica did. She was so brave. Her friends had her back and her family supported her.

My reality was that after it happened, I hid upstairs in the house until the next morning. I tried to tell someone the following morning what had happened. They told me I ‘just made a silly mistake’ so I didn’t think anyone would believe me. That I’d be outcast at school. Told it was my fault. Or punished for having a drink for the first time So I kept quiet, for 15 years until something happened that made me have to confront it.

We reported it historically and were advise against bringing a case to court. That advice was swiftly followed by the statement from the police officer that ‘we would have advised the same at the time’. Despite the fact I was 15, under the age of consent there was no whiteness.

Watching this program it took me by surprise that things still triggered me so much. My husband, always reassuring and talking sense, reminded me this experience is part of me.

It’s what shaped me and though healed, is likely I’ll sometimes get triggered. But it’s what made me who I am and so capable of doing what I do for work.

In part of the episode Jessica is switched with several other characters explaining what happened to them. A stark reflection that this in’t a one off situation. It happens all the time.

Though I had the fuck triggered out of me watching this, it was a reminder I needed, that I believe my life experiences and there to help others. It was a kick up the ass for me to talk more openly about all kinds of topics I’m passionate about especially with sex and relationships.

Speaking up

Breaking a life long habit of not speaking up about what really matters to me is a hard habit to break as it takes such vulnerability. Its really scary.

And though that frightened and traumatized 15 year old girl wasn’t brave enough to stand up for her self; as a nearly 40 year old woman I stand in my power, regardless of that fear, to support and hold space for the hundreds of other women that have been through something similar.

As they heal relationships, sensuality, relationship with themselves, their sexuality, as a parent, as a daughter, as a lover and as a friend.

As a soul that deserves to not feel shame. As someone who can enjoy their body. As someone who deserves to stop punishing themselves for feeling powerless.

I offer my support and care to you. I will work to share what resources helped me with you.

I stand with you.

Big Love
Nikki